Facing codependency, trauma, & delusion
So on my mom’s birthday -April 6- the same day as the Libra full moon and the start of my cycle, I ended a 4.5 year relationship.
My former partner I had lived together since May 2019. During that time, we drove across the country five times, moved all of our shit from Los Angeles to Atlanta, aced the pandemic, raised a pup, and supported each other through the ups and downs of choosing Artist as your career path. He was my best friend and my home in human form.
In the blink of an eye, I became boyfriend-less and dog-less, throwing all caution to the wind in an effort to finally trust myself.
For a variety of reasons, striking out and living alone at that point was too much. So, I moved in with my parents mid-April while my 33 birthday loomed around the corner.
My family lives in Rhode Island – in the home I grew up in – in a state that’s a 16 hour drive from the life I built the last two years, and over 48 hours away from the life I had prior to that.
So, needless to say, I’m going through it (currently crying).
I’d also like to point out that I’ve been in three romantic relationships back to back since I was 25, and the ones before that weren’t great either (I take 50 percent responsibility). So, my current state is derived from a compilation of trauma- most of which I caused myself.
With that being said, this post is not meant to vilify one person, or anyone at all; I am sharing my story in hopes that it helps someone on a similar journey back to themselves.
For the past year or more, I have been at war with my intuition, also known as Queen Victoria.
*eye roll*
And as someone who is *in the process of becoming financially stable*, I am ashamed of the amount of money I spent trying to “fix” myself and bury my intuitive knowing (SIDE NOTE- I am immensely grateful for the people I worked with and the tools I gained- even if my initial reason for hiring them was off lol).
Almost every time I felt an ounce of joy, peace, or accomplishment, my Deep Knowing would crawl out of the hole I pushed her in to gently say, “but what about your relationship? You haven’t dealt with that yet…”
And all I wanted was for that beautiful, well-meaning angel to FUCK OFF and let me SIT IN MY BELOVED CHAOS.
As a breathwork facilitator and actor- careers where people RELY on intuition to guide others, bring truth to characters, and more, this was quite a conundrum.
Why did I do this? Well, I was trying to be responsible (ironically).
I knew I had a bad habit of blaming everyone and everything else for my problems. So, this time, I was going to do it differently. I was going to take every issue I was aware of, throw it at the energy healer, therapist, life coach of the day, and they were going to fix me. Then, I could finally be perfect- perfect partner, perfect friend, perfect business owner, perfect actor.
And once I’m perfect, I’ll be deserving of love!
Even if it was valid for me to dislike my partner’s behavior, or be upset about a particular situation, I wanted to beat the negativity out of me. If I did enough mantras, affirmations, pillow screaming, shadow work, journaling, whipping myself with a jump rope (jk), maybe then I could be numb and void of reaction.
And maybe THEN I could finally be happy with another person (or really, happy with myself).
As a self-identifying pain in the ass, I had to learn the hard way that this is unwell behavior.
There are going to be people who trigger you to a point where it is not worth being around them.
Let go. Surrender. Stop forcing something that isn’t working.
Are your loved ones going to trigger you? Fuck yes! Does that mean you should end a relationship every time you’re triggered? Absolutely not.
There’s a difference between getting triggered and dealing with it in a healthy way (non-violent communication, compromise, setting a standard going forward) vs. the opposite- volatile arguments, no change, lack of respect, etc.
If you’ve tried everything – or as much as you’d like to try – and the same shit keeps happening, you’re miserable most of the time, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE CHILDREN YET, it’s time to go, honey.
There are, of course, nuances, exceptions, and other scenarios that I don’t understand because I’ve never been in them. So, reminder, this is my experience. You’re reading my blog about my life, my relationships, with my opinion.
At the end of the day, time is fucking precious. Listen to yourself. Trust your intuition. Your intuitive voice will be calm and neutral – it’s a deep knowing. Your ego voice, on the other hand, feels chaotic, anxious, and panicked.
Listening to yourself is especially important when it comes to who and what you surround yourself with, who and what you put your energy toward, and – especially for women- who you’re receiving from. So, who you choose to spend your life with and raise children with (if that’s what you want), is – IMO- the most important decision of your life.
NO PRESSURE.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I always wanted to get married. I always wanted children. And I’ve made that very clear in every relationship.
But something happened in this last experience that scared me. Because of the way we spoke to each other, our financial situation, and the chronic anxiety I felt about my future, I started to second guess my deep longings in order to salvage the relationship.
“Maybe I don’t need to get married. Maybe I don’t need to have kids. Maybe I’ll give up my dreams and get an 8-5.”
NO. NO. NO.
Toward the end, I confided in several close friends. I began sharing the terror that lived in my brain with people other than my partner, therapists, and my Al-Anon sponsor.
I clung to stupid excuses.
“But I’m 32- I’ve invested my best years into this relationship,” I complained.
“Better to be 32 than 42,” she replied.
I thought about my breathwork clients. I thought about what I would say during a class to empower people, knowing my words and actions weren’t aligned in my own life.
I thought about what I would say to a private client in a similar situation. More importantly, what I would THINK, and not say – knowing they needed to figure it out on their own.
I thought about how I plan to raise my children in a house with no screaming adults and how that most likely wouldn’t be the case if I stayed.
I thought about looking into my dog’s human eyes while I sat on the stairs crying. His squishy head heavy in my hands as I whispered, “I’ll never leave you.”
I thought about the times I begged the universe to quiet my Deep Knowing, telling myself I’d rather be with him than be happy; that I could make it work.
I thought of all the things I love so deeply about this person, and wondered if I’ll ever find someone with those qualities again.
I communicated my feelings with my former partner, hoping that would make them go away. In the past, I had kept everything inside and pretended I was fine, but this time I wanted to do it differently. And I did. I really did. I really tried.
But trying and forcing holds no weight when there is something or someone so much more aligned waiting on the other side of the fear, discomfort, and heartbreak.
The signs, flags, evidence, blatant dis-regulation in my body were all there- for both of us, honestly. But we ignored the blaring sirens and shouldered on, praying the other person would change.
I thought I desperately wanted what my friends have – the house, the husband, the kids, the stability. I picked a cookie and took a bite. I subconsciously thought, “you’re my cookie, whether you like it or not!”
And, ironically, when it seemed like *the engagement* might happen soon, it became more clear than ever someone had to pull the plug.
I realized, apart from other things, I didn’t want to marry someone who took almost half a decade to pop the question.
ALSO- he shouldn’t marry someone he feels confused about!
No doubt we love each other – but love is one piece of the puzzle.
And Listen- some women are okay knowing they pigeonholed a man into marrying them.
I am not.
I grew up watching Disney princess movies. Okay? There is a part of me that will always believe in that magic.
So, for whatever reason, my timeline for marriage is different than most of my friends’. And that’s okay.
Just last night I was beating myself up over this. “Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I just suck it up and work an 8-5 job? Why do terrible people have loving partners and children, yet I can’t find anyone who wants that with me?”
My ego rages:
“I AM HOT!!!! I AM SMART!!!!!!! I AM KIND!!!!!!!!! I AM FUNNY!!!! I GET ALONG WITH MOST PEOPLE!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYONE -EVEN WHEN I SHOULD HAVE!!!!!!!! I AM GENEROUS, EVEN WHEN I HAVE NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I LISTEN TO THE SAD MAN STORIES AND GIVE GREAT ADVICE!!!!!! I DO DOMESTIC THINGS!!!!!!!! I AM GREAT IN BED!!!!!!!
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!”
Well, I know what I want – from myself:
To stop choosing people who I know can’t meet my needs, and then getting resentful toward them when I am right.
Yeah. Mic drop.
So, maybe you’re wondering what great things are on the other side of my heartbreak, fear, and discomfort?
Well, here’s a few, and so much more to come.
- 5 week trip to India to teach Breathwork, travel, attend an Indian wedding, do some acting, and ultimately face my fears and connect with myself on the deepest level yet
- Connecting with friends and acquaintances I had lost touch with while being in relationship
- Starting to feel surges of creativity
- Embarking on month 3 of a 6 month HEART SABBATICAL (no dating, no sex, etc.) that is raw, beautiful, terrible, lonely, thrilling, frustrating, painful, eye-opening, and magical all at the same time (honestly October 7 can’t come fast enough LOL)
- Spending more time with my family and friends from home than I have in a decade
- Using my volition to decide where I want to live, travel to, etc.
- Having more time and energy to focus on my breathwork business, acting, and writing
- Feeling relieved, despite the pain, depression, and resurgence of trauma I get to work through
- My intuition is happy, and my anxiety about the future has been replaced with excitement
If you resonate with my story and would like support, I’d love to guide you through a virtual breathwork session.
Of all the tools I’ve used on this journey, breathwork has helped me the most with processing trauma, releasing limiting beliefs, and connecting to my intuition.
You can book a private virtual session with me here, or join one of my bi-monthly virtual group classes here.
Much Love XO
THE SUSTENANCE SAGE 