India: One Week / Another Layer Sheds: 2 Months
I’ve had the urge to write a blog post multiple times but haven’t acted on it till now. So, here I am on a train returning to Kingston, RI, after my recent solo trip to NYC; slightly hungover and oscillating between overwhelm and apathy.
It was a “last hoorah” before I leave for India August 6. To be honest, I am both resentful toward and excited about this upcoming trek. It’s coming at a perfect, yet frustrating time in my life as I wrap up month four of my six month heart sabbatical.
I’m proud of myself. This break from all things men has been a HUGE deal. And even though I haven’t done it perfectly (meaning I didn’t lock myself in a closet and even allowed myself to flirt more than I should have), I have already come such a long way.
When I entered my last relationship in 2018, I was like an exposed nerve- raw, pained, and desperately looking for a bandaid (when really I needed stitches and TIME).
Honestly, I’ve been like that most of my life.
So, for me to go this long without pulling out my stitches or picking off the scab (maybe just some scratching here and there) is kind of a miracle.
That doesn’t mean it has been easy.
I’m sitting in uncomfortable emotions right now, which are only heightened by the lack of sleep, remaining alcohol in my system, and desperate need for a shower.
To be real for a second- I can’t tell you how badly I want to be pulled into a man’s embrace that turns into a hot make out session and … well, use your imagination. Mine is tired. *cue Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls*
Nowadays, when these feelings come up- I stop and ask myself, “WHY do I want this experience?”
Besides the obvious *physical gratification,* is there perhaps something I’ve been searching for in another person that I actually need to give myself?
People typically only associate addiction with drugs and alcohol, when really, anything you derive pleasure from can turn into an addiction.
I recently heard someone say – people don’t necessarily want the alcohol, drug, sex, love, drama, food, or whatever they’re pining over, as much as they want the FEELING it gives them.
So, I know by taking a step back I’m doing the right thing. I know this is aligned for me. I know my future self and future partner will thank me.
Plus, there are healthier ways to feel good INTERNALLY, so then the external wonder becomes an added bonus – not something my life depends on.
But still, damn, there’s A LOT to process.
I had a realization yesterday as I was using Orpheus Mind Technologies to get through heavy emotions (had to use two tracks while in NYC). I was so anxious, worried, and in regret over recent behavior, and had leaned into MEAN self-talk.
“You’re a failure.”
“You’re so weak.”
“Why are you so fucked up?”
“Who would love you?”
“This is for the better. You would’ve ruined it sooner or later anyway.”
And then as I was tapping, something came through-
“This doesn’t have anything to do with that person. This is a thought pattern you’re stuck in. You’ve been here before.”
Which is ironic, because the theme of a Breathwork class I led Friday was “Stopping Negative Thought Loops.”
My Al-Anon sponsor always says to me, “You’re being wayyyy too hard on yourself,” and it makes me want to cry every time. It’s such a relief to know the story my mind tells isn’t real.
(I’m also so grateful to her for holding me accountable on this 6 month healing process – something she went through as well)
These epiphanies snapped me out of self deprecation and allowed another voice to come through- my inner cheerleader.
“Victoria- you have a place in NYC to stay at FOR FREE (thank you, Katie!) – you have friends waiting for you- get the fuck out there and have some fun.”
So, that is what I did, after my anxiety-induced nausea passed. And I had a great time- special thanks to Jennifer, Chianne, and Alex!
Another related issue I’d like to address is how reliant almost everyone in our society is on getting attention / validation from their sexual preference. The amount of people who can’t fathom consciously taking a month, never mind six, to focus on themselves is astounding.
I swear- I’ll explain what I’m doing IN DETAIL to someone and then see them a month later and they’re like, “So, have you been on any dating apps?” “Are you hooking up with anyone?” “Wait, but you can still have CASUAL sex, right?”
No. No. No.
It’s like, beyond their comprehension due to societal norms.
Even talking to people I find attractive can be problematic because I’m supposed to be focusing on HEALING myself, by myself, instead of relying on “hits” from men.
Anywho- we’re all on our own journey. I don’t mean to pass judgment. I just see how beneficial this has been and will continue to be for me, and hope I inspire others to do the same.
I had a friend tell me she wasn’t sure a heart sabbatical would be good for her because her therapist said she shouldn’t “close off her heart” after a recent breakup.
When in reality, I feel more open and available than ever. As I continue to heal, my ability to love myself grows, which only heightens my ability to love another (and yes- even with the horrendous self talk I shared earlier – I’m in a better place).
Okay, so, back to India.
I embark on a five-week solo trip to India August 6 and return September 13. This trip fell into my lap due to a dear friend and mentor suggesting it back in April. So, I am meeting up with people [I don’t know} when I arrive, and there is a loose plan in place, but a lot of it will be a “Universe take the wheel” adventure.
The majority of people I tell about my trip respond with, “I’m so excited for you!” And I gulp and say, “Me too! I hope I don’t die!” *nervous laugh*
Honestly, if my physical body does die on this trip, it is no one’s fault. It’s meant to be.
As a 5 life path person, I am my happiest when I am having new, exciting, and sometimes dangerous experiences. So, I’d rather die traveling in India than be rotting internally behind a white picket fence.
Before I made a big shift in April [blog post right before this one], I had let myself drift into that stagnant, boring, empty place.
If you’ve seen the show MAID– remember that scene where Margaret Qualley’s character- Alex- sinks into the couch? That was basically me.
So, I promised myself I’d never ignore my intuition again. The metaphorical space beneath stained couch cushions is not a vibe.
And even though I have moments of deep fear, and questions like, “Victoria, why the FUCK do you toggle between ALL CHILL and NO CHILL??” pop into my head on the reg, I know I’m trusting my intuition by going on this trip. And regardless of the outcome, that’s all that matters.
So, even if *certain people* forget about me while I’m gone, or if I get lost for hours in the Hyderabad airport, or make a fool out of myself being “too American,” or I get explosive diarrhea in public because I forgot to close my mouth in the shower, I think back to my favorite mantra I share with my breathwork clients:
Everything is always working out for my highest good.
If you’d like to follow along on my India journey, you can do so on Substack.
THE SUSTENANCE SAGE 